For the last couple days I have been filled with sorrow. My little girl is doing so good and getting so close to coming home, but I just cant help but wish I was taking home 2 babies. Really this feels worse than when I first lost Kameron. I think I was just numb and now it is feeling like a ton of bricks just hit me. I have friends that just had their sweet baby boys that were so close to my due date, I cant help but wish I had my little boy too. I want him back. I need him. This is so hard, I feel like just giving up sometimes. Then I see my little Kassidy and feel a closeness to him. How can I be so excited and devastated all at once?
I sat and went through Sam's old clothes a couple weekends ago and just cried. I have such an emotional attachment to clothing. Really, why do I save old spit-up onesies and his first underwear? I have boxes and boxes of clothing that I just cant part with. I so wanted to have my baby Kameron wear these cute little outfits. It makes my heart hurt.
I also cant seem to part with my maternity clothes. I remember each time I wore a specific shirt and how I could feel them move and kick. I miss it. I want to go back, to not feel this pain anymore.
Kassidy has been eating good and getting so big, almost 5 lbs now. She has gotten a little worse on her eyes and we are just waiting for them to get better or get worse enough to treat. It is a horrible waiting game. I hate things that are just out of my control.
Friday is our special bonding day. I love to spend all day there and do nothing but snuggle her. Yesterday she happened to have a nurse I did not like. If you remember from one of my first posts the nurse I didnt like before, well it was the same one. She just has no tact. She freaked me out and made me worry like never before. If I am just sitting there holding my baby do you really need to just tell me horror stories of what "could" happen? I had the worse day yesterday worst one I have had in a long time. I pretty much wanted to curl up with her and shut the entire world out. I actually said something this time though. I asked our primary nurse "L" to have the NNP never put her with Kassidy again. I felt mean, but I never want to leave crying again! I called nurse "M" when I got home, even though it was late and she had her high school reunion she still had time to calm my emotions, to comfort me and tell me everything I already knew but had to hear. I really dont know what we would do without her. I love her!
I feel so sad and lonely lately, I dont want to do anything. The days we dont go down to the hospital, I just wanna sit home and cry. I wanna be left alone to wallow in self pity. I know this sounds horrible, I am trying so hard to not do this to myself, but it is the hardest trial I have ever had to go through. People keep telling me how strong they think I am and how amazed they are by me, but Im not strong. I am weak. I just try to look strong. I try to be what everyone thinks I should be. I feel like I am not allowed to grieve for my baby boy because I am lucky enough to still have my baby girl. Why me? Why him? Why does this have to be so hard?
7 comments:
hey i am sorry you are feeling so down. I wish that i could say or do something to help, but i don't believe there is much i can do. Just remember you have a right to grieve even if you get your little girl, you had a little boy too. You are strong, you may feel like you weak but you are amazing to me. I just want you to know that you can grieve any way you want to. Who cares about anyone else. Your the one going through it. well just want to say i love you and keep your family in my prays!!
Take care and really if you need anything at all, I am here. Ruth
Danielle,
I don't get to checking blogs much, but I was thinking a lot about you today and wanted to check on you. I want you to know I miss seeing at church. The meetings at Primary's are so good though. I still remember them. I'm sad to hear about the rough day you had. :'( There is no time limit on grief, and how you should or shouldn't deal with it. We do have to go through, and not around our trials, so don't get down on yourself. It is hard, life is hard. In Relief Society today a sister commented on doing hard things, and keeping at them because we know it's important. To quote sister Sullivan "You can do hard things." Just keep telling yourself that. You can, but no one said it would be easy.
Danielle! I love your guts! People say you are so strong cause thats how we see you. You are so lucky to have two babies on earth and little Kameron waching down, keeping you are safe and comforting you. I know that nobody can sayanything to make this easier ir less painful, Just know everyone is here for you if you need anything. I think you are amazing and Heavenly Father knew you, Clint, Sammy, and Kassidy were such a strong family that you could all make it through this. Not many people could. Alot of times I have questioned with my struggles, Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why would heavenly Father do this to me? I can not answer all of those questions but if you Pray to Heavenly Father and ask him for comfort, and to help you understand why, I know without a doubt you will be able to heal from this pain. Maybe Kamerons struggles would be to hard on earth. He needed a body and he came to earth to ring his sister and recieve his body. Now he can be whole again in Heaven! I love you Dani and pray for your family!
My heart is breaking with you. I know that what I have to say will only echo what has already been said. You are an amazing woman, you have an amazing family and you will see Kameron again. We don't know why we go through the trials that we do but someday you will be able to look back and see how far you have come and how strong that you are. Turn toward the Lord and the Savior and they will help comfort you.Give yourself time to move forward, to grieve, and you will always remember Kameron, it just won't always hurt so much.
(I truly hope you can at least place me as not a 'total' stranger & sorry for the deleted comment, whoops.)
But I couldn't NOT comment. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you're going through. And that it is perfectly ok to grieve, for how ever long you need to. You've been through a lot and although you have Kassidy, there is still a hole in your heart that aches for Kameron. I hope you can find the comfort you need and know that you're not alone.
I don't know if you remember or not, but I lost my sister when she was 4. There were a lot of people who told us how we should grieve, for how long, etc. Do it your way! Grieving does not look the same for any 2 people.
I'm so glad to hear that Kassidy is doing so well! She is an absolute doll and I'm waiting anxiously for the post saying that she's home!! :) Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers and please let me know if I can do anything and excuse my long-winded comment.
Long-lost cousin Kellie :)
Danielle,
My heart is aching with you. My tears flow for you. My love is with you. There is sorrow as well as happiness in this world. Someday we will not have to feel the pain. If you need a mental hug just know I am sending you one. I pray for you and all your family.
Love, Aunt Annie
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