Why?

For the last couple days I have been filled with sorrow. My little girl is doing so good and getting so close to coming home, but I just cant help but wish I was taking home 2 babies. Really this feels worse than when I first lost Kameron. I think I was just numb and now it is feeling like a ton of bricks just hit me. I have friends that just had their sweet baby boys that were so close to my due date, I cant help but wish I had my little boy too. I want him back. I need him. This is so hard, I feel like just giving up sometimes. Then I see my little Kassidy and feel a closeness to him. How can I be so excited and devastated all at once?
I sat and went through Sam's old clothes a couple weekends ago and just cried. I have such an emotional attachment to clothing. Really, why do I save old spit-up onesies and his first underwear? I have boxes and boxes of clothing that I just cant part with. I so wanted to have my baby Kameron wear these cute little outfits. It makes my heart hurt.
I also cant seem to part with my maternity clothes. I remember each time I wore a specific shirt and how I could feel them move and kick. I miss it. I want to go back, to not feel this pain anymore.
Kassidy has been eating good and getting so big, almost 5 lbs now. She has gotten a little worse on her eyes and we are just waiting for them to get better or get worse enough to treat. It is a horrible waiting game. I hate things that are just out of my control.
Friday is our special bonding day. I love to spend all day there and do nothing but snuggle her. Yesterday she happened to have a nurse I did not like. If you remember from one of my first posts the nurse I didnt like before, well it was the same one. She just has no tact. She freaked me out and made me worry like never before. If I am just sitting there holding my baby do you really need to just tell me horror stories of what "could" happen? I had the worse day yesterday worst one I have had in a long time. I pretty much wanted to curl up with her and shut the entire world out. I actually said something this time though. I asked our primary nurse "L" to have the NNP never put her with Kassidy again. I felt mean, but I never want to leave crying again! I called nurse "M" when I got home, even though it was late and she had her high school reunion she still had time to calm my emotions, to comfort me and tell me everything I already knew but had to hear. I really dont know what we would do without her. I love her!
I feel so sad and lonely lately, I dont want to do anything. The days we dont go down to the hospital, I just wanna sit home and cry. I wanna be left alone to wallow in self pity. I know this sounds horrible, I am trying so hard to not do this to myself, but it is the hardest trial I have ever had to go through. People keep telling me how strong they think I am and how amazed they are by me, but Im not strong. I am weak. I just try to look strong. I try to be what everyone thinks I should be. I feel like I am not allowed to grieve for my baby boy because I am lucky enough to still have my baby girl. Why me? Why him? Why does this have to be so hard?

Big Brother

We took Sammy to hold his little sister for the first time yesterday! He was so excited to see her! I couldnt wait to get these two together. He was amazing with her. So gentle and sweet. He said "Hi Kassidy, You're beautiful" So Cute!!!I could just squish that little boy!! He gave her lots of kisses

My little family. They are my heart.... Look at those hands. Doesnt it just melt your heart?!
We had just a short visit with her yesterday but was so wonderful! We just get more and more excited for her to come home!!
And just one of my cute boy!

My GYM

Saturdays are days we like to spend with just Sammy. So we decided to try out My Gym. They were having a free trial day and so why not right? They do 2 gymnastic skills, free play, relays and muscles strengthening.

Rollin aroundWarm up time. They all went around and said their names and their favorite animal. He said his favorite was a spider? I dunno where he got that from. So funnySo excited.

One of the rare moments of him actually sitting on the line.Donkey kicksSam really was brave and definitely not shy. He did good at all the activities, he just had a hard time listening and waiting his turn. He wanted to run and play while he waited. Who can blame the kid.

It was a really nice place and all, I just wished the teachers would have given Sam a little extra help in keeping his attention since it was his first time. Little Stink gets so excited about things he just forgets to listen!

The Pointe

Now that we have been regulars at the hospital. We have found a really cool bistro. It is called The Pointe Bistro and is in the Huntsman Cancer Center. I heard about it from another family and on Friday me and another mother ventured out to find it and have some lunch. because seriously the cafeteria is really getting OLD! The food was really good and was really cheap. So I decided to take Clint on a date there on Sunday. This is our "romantic" lunch date....
Isnt the view beautiful?!

Auntie Debbie

Debbie met me at the hospital on Friday and got to hold sweet baby K!! She had not seen her for a while so I was excited to show her off. She walked in and tears filled her eyes. Tears of joy she said! (she can cry at just about anything, love that about her though)

It really is amazing just how far my little girl has come. Kassidy loved it and really loves her Aunt Debbie! Thanks for coming down and visiting with us. You are a wonderful sister and aunt! We love you, even without the pink phone!

Tub Time with Daddy

OK so more time has been lapsing between posts, I guess that is a sign that things are getting back to normal again? Or maybe we are just now getting use to our new routine, who knows?!

Last Wednesday, Clint and I got to bath Kassidy again. Nurse "M" was there and she made us do it all alone. Kinda funny to watch us. Shoulda had a video camera.

Anyways, we now get the bathe her Sundays and Wednesdays. She absolutely loves it and is so snugly afterwards.

She is doing really well, she is now only taking a multivitamin. They took her off caffeine today, hopefully she does well without it. The girl loves her coke! If she starts to have her A's and B's again,where heart heart and oxygen rate drops, then they will probably start her on a reflux med. She does have a little of that now.

Wednesday she also had an eye exam. It came back with mild ROP, if you follow my blog you know what that is. They are still gonna monitor it weekly and are not too concerned. They said not many 24 weekers get away without some sort of ROP. THIS DOES NOT MEAN SHE WILL BE BLIND, nor does this mean she would even need glasses. We just have to wait.

She has been working on feeding protocols, so milk around her binkee. She loves her binkee and is doing good with it. Nurse "M" gave her her first bottle last week with a few ounces. She did alright, little sloppy she said. Then she tried again with a bottle yesterday. Little improvements everyday. They are surprised that she even likes her binkee, they said babies this early dont usually like things in their mouth. Good girl, just keep proving them wrong!!

She gets her physical therapy everyday, and Friday they taught me how to do it so everytime we hold her we can be workin on it. The OT ladies really teach us alot about reading her face and her signals. Really it is like taking classes on how to be a parent. Shoulda had this with Sam! haha

She loves to be held and snuggled. She also gets to be held by her nurses now, which they all couldnt wait for. Im glad she gets held and loved everyday since we cant be there all the time.

Oh yeah and she weighs 4 lb 9 oz and is 16 in long.

Enjoying her binkee before the bath. Daddy getting her dressed. She got her feeding tube removed because it had to be retaped. So we got a quick picture of her entire face! Isnt she a doll? Look at her red hair too! Love my little red heads!I look a little haggard, such long days with working and commuting. It is really starting to show!Kisses from mom and dadSnuggled up ready for bed....Look at that little smile. So cute! Ok so this last picture, looks a little scary, but was so funny. Nurse "M" swaddled her all up tight and was movin her around. It was crackin us up, just because she looked so relaxed and was just hangin out. It didnt even cross our minds that she would drop her, so dont be worried.

First Bath 7/11/10

I got to give Kassidy her first bath last Sunday! Nurse "M" told us the night before she was a little ripe and needed one. Clint had reserves so he said I could go without him. :(
But, I got to bring lotion with me and lather her up. Nothin beats the smell of Baby Magic. Could not wait to sniff her. Makin sure her temp was ok to do a bath...

Naked baby! Look at her little buddah belly.
We did a swaddle bath, to keep her warm and to slowly introduce her to the water.

We slowly uncovered one side at a time and washed her.

She loved it!! Not scared or tense at all!!

Just chillin' lovin her spa day.

Me and nurse "L" so glad she was there. Tub time was so fun!

Then we washed her little tush! Isnt that the cutest little thing you have ever seen?! So squishable
She is just takin it all in. She did so good!

Then came time to wash her hair. So we bundled her up, which she didnt like to leave the water. Then I scrubed her lil nugget.

She really does love her head scrubbed. These pictures dont show it, but she does. I think she was just done being moved around so much.
After.....She has curly hair, it was so cute all fluffed up!

Look how snugglie she looks in her duckie jammies. Larry's sister bought this for her. So sweet!

All clean and feelin better. Nothin beats a nice warm tub!

All tuckered out, such a busy day. I absolutely loved tub time! and she smelled so good I just couldnt stop sniffin her head. What a great day!